Good Fences Make Good Neighbours

Fri, 27 Mar 2020 21:06:37 GMT

Good Fences Make Good Neighbours

(and Create Peace in the Family)

Being stuck at home has definite pros and cons, and the longer I’m at home the more cons it seems to have. I never thought I’d actually miss going to work. However, as much as I love to socialize and to have interactions with my students, I’m basically an introvert, and I need my quiet time at home, especially when I’m too busy with long days at work. On those days all I really want is to just have a day at home to be by myself, and to have some quiet rejuvenation. That’s how I create internal support and self-care.

Well, now that we’re all at home in self-isolation, I’m finding myself getting frustrated and angry, and it’s being taken out on the people around me. My husband finally confronted me about it and asked me why I was in such a foul mood and so angry all the time. He didn’t yell or accuse, but just asked me what was going on. And that’s all it took for me to finally start thinking about where the anger came from.

In Love is Letting go of Fear, Dr. Gerald Jampolski writes that anger, frustrations and other similar unsupportive emotions are a form of fear, and if we can address the underlying fear, we can change our mood and our behaviour back into more supportive moods and behaviours by working towards experiencing love instead. So I thought about what all my fearful emotions were about.

What was really going on? With all the changes and everyone at home, I was too busy trying to look after them and trying to get stuff cleaned up to make room so everyone had a good work space, but I forgot to look after myself. I felt so stuck and spinning my wheels – drowning, really – that I felt lost in the shuffle and feared that I’d never get forward myself. Even though I was still working, I was working from home, and didn’t have any place to get away from the rest of the family life. It felt so overwhelming to never be able to complete anything in the constantly growing to do list, because I didn’t have a designated space anymore, or boundaries around my work time, and instead was constantly torn between work-work, and house/family work. There was no end in sight, and because the kids weren’t in school yet, I didn’t have my usual quiet time at night to read, write or reflect either. No wonder I was angry and in a foul mood. I was overwhelmed with fear that I would never have time or space to myself again, because I went from having my own office at work, and space to work in my home, to now having three people in my space 24/7 and no place to get away from it all.

Once my husband’s question stopped me from spinning my wheels, I finally stopped long enough to realize this huge fear which led to the anger. I was no longer taking care of myself, and my mental, physical, emotional, social environmental and spiritual health were suffering (I consider myself very fortunate to still be among those working).

Finally I was able to set things back to as much normal as possible, with the support from my family. We set regular bed times for the kids again (even if it meant they were in their rooms reading), so that I had my quiet time at night. I set up a separate smaller table in our dining area which now separated work-work from home and family-work and sent the signal to my family to leave me be during work time. We set a daily routine of activities so that I didn’t have to worry about the kids on their devices and could actually focus on work. We all started getting a minimum of 30 minutes of physical activity each day, and we set times of when we all stopped working/learning. The routine and the boundaries made a world of difference in everyone’s sense of normal and all of our mental health. By working together the house is actually cleaner and with less clutter than when I wasn’t working from home.

So What Can You Do In Your Life?

These unusual changes have taken a toll on all of us, so take the time to reflect on what you’re feeling and want to change, and then focus on what you want instead.
Ask other members of the family (or those living with you) on board or simply ask the right person for external support to (re-)create old or new boundaries.
Become clear on the internal support you want and need so that you can recreate as much normal as possible and care for yourself. Ask for support, and accept it.

We all deserve love and support, now more than ever, be it internal or external in nature. Remember to ask for what you need, from the right person, at the right time.

In love and light, Claudia

Basic Training

Sun, 16 Feb 2020 23:54:03 GMT

Basic Training

Frustrated with the mess in my house once again, I started cleaning the kitchen and dining room this morning when I got up, while my ever loving family sat on the couches in the living room staring at the TV and their devices (one laptop, one tablet, and one phone). And once again I caught myself in my overwhelmed martyr/victim mode thinking, “why am I the only one that does any cleaning around here? It’s not like I don’t have 50,000 other things that need to get done and perhaps would also like to have the opportunity to relax for a bit or even do something together as a family.” Sound familiar?

Well, I decided it’s time to change things up a bit. Let’s just break down the pattern and see how we got to this point, because my kids and hubby definitely don’t behave like this at my mother-in-law’s home, where everyone helps to clear and clean the table after a meal and put everything away. What I did realize today is that this abandoning the kitchen and ‘relaxing’ on the couch after a meal is learned behaviour. And guess what? I created those monsters because I trained them that way. In my Kingdom of I Can Do It All By Myself, I very clearly recall myself saying “that’s OK. I got it.” Or the more common, “just set it here, and I’ll deal with it.” Why? Because I wanted it done just so (a.k.a. – my way). Well cleaning up and putting things away myself may possibly have been a necessity when my kids were too little to reach the fridge or the sink, or when I was concerned that they would make a mess. My hubby, on the other hand, has always been capable (and willing) to help – if I let him. And now that my kids are teenagers, they are perfectly capable to put leftovers in the fridge, put the dishes in the dishwasher, wash any dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher, and even wipe the table. They just have to be retrained. And realistically, I’m not doing them any favours by doing this stuff for them anymore, because in the not too distant future, they’re going to be on their own, and I won’t be there to clean up after them.

So tonight after supper, I gave everyone clear instructions to clean everything off the table and put it away, to put the leftovers in a container, to wash any extra dishes, and to wipe the table. I did it in a calm and clear voice and asked for what I wanted. It was simple. All I did was to first decide what I wanted and who would be the best person for the job, and then ask the right people. And guess what. It actually worked, and when I went to bed, I didn’t have supper leftovers to deal with. Now that I know it’s a possibility, I’ll keep after them until it becomes a new habit and I don’t have to ask anymore.

So What Can You Do In Your Life?

Decide what you want to change and what you want instead.
Ask the right person.
Accept the support.

In love and light, Claudia

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."

∞ Golda Meir ∞

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Good Fences Make Good Neighbours